The bible uses all sorts of literary styles including humor and satire

Ah, welcome to the grand stage of Biblical Literalism™, where every word of the Bible is taken as the unalterable, divine truth—except when it’s inconvenient, of course. Today’s spotlight shines brightly on the doctrine of Sola Scriptura, the esteemed belief that Scripture alone is the Christian’s ultimate guide. Yet, in an unexpected plot twist, some of its proponents appear to be giving a pass to a particular scriptural passage.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you John 6:53: “Very truly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you.” Aha! Caught you flinching! Is that a sliver of allegorical interpretation I see?

Oh, don’t be shy. Come on out from behind that metaphorical curtain you’ve conveniently drawn around this particular teaching. Where did the championing of literal interpretation go? Could it be that this particular passage is the theological equivalent of spinach stuck in the teeth of a radiant Sola Scriptura smile?

Ah yes, here come the well-rehearsed lines: “It’s symbolic!” “Jesus didn’t mean it like that!” “You have to understand the context!” A round of applause, please, for the incredible gymnastics performed to twist, turn, and leap around this tricky verse. Simone Biles would be proud.

All of a sudden, we’ve traded in our Biblical Literalism™ robes for the flexible unitard of Metaphorical Interpretation. But wait! Don’t forget to change back before you reach the next verse. Consistency, it seems, is a garment best worn loosely.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, we learn an invaluable lesson from this spectacle of scriptural selectivity: Sola Scriptura is an unwavering principle that guides the Christian path—until it finds itself at a crossroads with the complexities of personal or ecclesiastical preference. Then, it’s every metaphor for itself.

Let the curtain fall on today’s performance, but worry not: the show is bound to go on, a perpetual encore of theological inconsistencies.

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